Healthy Sex Starts Outside the Bedroom | Why You Struggle to Open Up to Him in the Bedroom

Updated: Sep 14

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Are you nervous in the bedroom with him, or does he not make you feel secure outside of the bedroom to allow yourself to get 'freaky' between the sheets?

Being sexually intimate with another person requires you to be vulnerable, physically & emotionally. Becoming vulnerable can be difficult for some women due to past relationship experiences, insecurities, sexual abuse or simply because we are still establishing trust and security in the relationship.

Most women (and men) require emotional security with their partners before having sex. Without emotional security first firmly set in place, the less likely you can honestly open up and relax in the bedroom.

Emotional security is a large part of the foundation for a healthy and stable relationship, sexual or not, and gives us the comfort of being seen and accepted as we are, with little to no judgement from our lover.


Do not beat yourself up or blame yourself if you do not feel comfortable and relaxed in the bedroom with him - yet. Your body is incredible at performing vibe-checks to protect you from people and situations that could cause you harm.

If you don't feel safe, secure and accepted by your partner, your body may react by resisting having sex or restricting all physical touch with the partner.

However, when you feel safe to be naked, in body and soul, to your beloved, you should have no trouble letting out your inner 'freak' because you'll be fully present at the moment with no hangups or insecurities to hold you back from having carefree fun.

What Can You Do When Resistance Strikes?


- Trust your Intuition:

Whether consciously or on an energetic level, your body senses that this situation should be a no from you, dawg. TRUST that message!

Show gratitude for the warning instead of bashing yourself for not letting trash walk through your Lady-Garden.

- Understand & Analyze

It might not always be straightforward, but if possible, try to understand the cause of the alarm. You can do this by talking through the issue with a close friend, relative, or therapist. If you don't have someone to talk to, journalling and meditation can be helpful tools to make sense of your thoughts and feelings.

- Honesty is the Best Policy

The first two points mentioned cover being honest with yourself by acknowledging the concern. The next step is, to be honest with your partner and express what you are experiencing.

Sharing your feelings can produce one of two results:

One: They are understanding of your feelings and make an effort to resolve the issue with you.

Two: Your partner either gets defensive or turns to manipulation/gaslighting. He chooses not to understand your point of view and belittles your feelings. To this, we recommend you run, sis!

- Slowww Down

There is the possibility that you are simply not ready. So, give it time and don't rush the process. Spend more time going out and having fun together while you create a stronger bond and a better friendship.

You will know when the time is right to move to the next level or if it's not meant to be. To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson: “It's the not the Destination, It's the Journey.”

The nitty-gritty of getting down-and-dirty ultimately falls on these two questions, "Do I trust him/her outside the bedroom?" & "Do I feel safe and emotionally secure with them?"


Evaluate their actions and behaviour to understand where they do not meet your standard for emotional security. Does the hesitation lay with you (past traumas, insecurities or too soon since the last break-up) or is your dating partner giving you less than you deserve?

In a world of potential dangers around corners and catfish profiles, it's your responsibility to protect your energy and privacy. Lovemaking is the captivating action of blending two souls in moments of pure trust and deep vulnerability. The feelings of bliss and ecstasy that come with the action are the product of wholly giving in to your senses and being comfortable while doing so. Be picky about with who you share those moments.

Listen to the whispers of your body. It's okay to walk away from people and situations that make you feel uncomfortable.

Are you struggling to overcome boundaries or insecurities in your sex & dating life? Would you like to raise your standards to attract a quality partner?

Click the button below to book your one-on-one CONSULTATION CALL with Elaine today.

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Written by: Andrea Thelen of AuthenticAndrea44

9th September 2022

DISCLAIMER: All blog posts are for educational and entertainment purposes only. Any advice or recommendations given in these posts does not supersede directions received by a licensed medical professional (i.e. doctor, psychiatrist, nurse, psychologist, etc), nutritionist, dietician or your personal trainer. The reader is responsible for their own health and well-being.